Reality became a mangled cloud of fog and pink smoke.
I needed to start again, to purify, to step back and think... outside of the seemingly exit-less situation.
I couldn't run away. How can you run again from yourself? Too much information entered my little brain, every single cell and neuron wanted to run away.
The camera. The broken eyebrow. The Art Gallery. All together on the same day.
Some might say, its just a visit to the TATE and a day in the pub. Trust me, it was so much more than that.
'I wish I was someone else' Its not an uncommon phrase in the lips of a teenage girl. Truth is, you can't. All comes down to your own self. Your own perception of whatever this is. And its horribly beautiful. And its yours. And I want to start again. Right this second. Now. Today. I want to breath deeply and not feel broken and broke. And feel free. And use this perception to perceive all that the world is.
azile
Tuesday 10 November 2009
Sunday 16 August 2009
Running away from...?
Today, I've seen Usein Bolt run. He's a 6 Foot 5 Olympic Jamaican runner. He makes it all look so easy. He looks so free when he runs, he runs and wins effortlessly. I'm not a fan of sports, ha! me? I prefer Pool and yoga.
Thing is, with this Olympic winners and world champions, they are nice people. You know why? Because they know how much effort it takes to get to the top, they know... pain. They know endurance and resistance. They know so many things us mortals take for granted or ignore most of the time. Let's take the people around me today, earlier on this Sunday at my local pub. Loads of families having lunch, some couples, friends... they have this undeserved smug look to themselves. Most of them are overweight and have a look that says 'I deserve and WANT it all' Like spoiled children. First world people look like the spoiled children of mummy 'time of abundance' and daddy 'easy access'. This greedy people want and get usually the following non-essentials: new television set. check. designer crappy clothes to cover their gigantic bodies. check. holidays somewhere (usually Spain). check. £67.000 debt on credit cards. check. You see, athletes don't have those problems, those superficial needs or those worries... They know effort, perseverance, patience and all those other boring words that most people can't even find a meaning to.
Athletes from poorer smaller anonymous nations, like Jamaica here, they become celebrities, they've done something a very tiny selected few of us will ever do: they've broken barriers.
My dear audience, why not look at runners and jumpers for inspiration instead of increasing so rapidly the size of your belly guts, I ask? why? WHY?
If you're not that into sports its OK, neither am I and I can still see what this people do and can give... I'm sure we all have a potential perfect physique that can be develop if we worked out a bit... yeah Im sure... and whilst you're in that Mr gym (you know who you are) improve that brain of yours as well, a personality will get you more girls.
When I grow up, I want to be like Usein Bolt and be a Jamaican celebrity.
x
azile
Thing is, with this Olympic winners and world champions, they are nice people. You know why? Because they know how much effort it takes to get to the top, they know... pain. They know endurance and resistance. They know so many things us mortals take for granted or ignore most of the time. Let's take the people around me today, earlier on this Sunday at my local pub. Loads of families having lunch, some couples, friends... they have this undeserved smug look to themselves. Most of them are overweight and have a look that says 'I deserve and WANT it all' Like spoiled children. First world people look like the spoiled children of mummy 'time of abundance' and daddy 'easy access'. This greedy people want and get usually the following non-essentials: new television set. check. designer crappy clothes to cover their gigantic bodies. check. holidays somewhere (usually Spain). check. £67.000 debt on credit cards. check. You see, athletes don't have those problems, those superficial needs or those worries... They know effort, perseverance, patience and all those other boring words that most people can't even find a meaning to.
Athletes from poorer smaller anonymous nations, like Jamaica here, they become celebrities, they've done something a very tiny selected few of us will ever do: they've broken barriers.
My dear audience, why not look at runners and jumpers for inspiration instead of increasing so rapidly the size of your belly guts, I ask? why? WHY?
If you're not that into sports its OK, neither am I and I can still see what this people do and can give... I'm sure we all have a potential perfect physique that can be develop if we worked out a bit... yeah Im sure... and whilst you're in that Mr gym (you know who you are) improve that brain of yours as well, a personality will get you more girls.
When I grow up, I want to be like Usein Bolt and be a Jamaican celebrity.
x
azile
Friday 7 August 2009
Goodbye Lenin!
Like they say: better scare than bore your audience.
Do I have an audience? I don't even know. But I have a voice (a tiny voice but whatever) so I'm gonna use it to recommend you this film.
I had a film marathon tonight, I made myself some dinner and sat looking forward to 8 hours of films. It was amazing. Dear audience, watch this one film though. It'll be good for you. It is so emotionally charged, in a 'we're just living life' sort of way. Its original, and even though it got some awards in 2003... everyone should have watched it. Every other film I watched after it tasted like plastic. I can't tell you any more because you should watch it.
GoodBye Lenin! <=== Watch it.
Directed by Wolfgang Becker.
enjoy
x
azile
Friday 29 May 2009
Nights like this...
Azile's life has never been neither perfect nor normal, though just recently I realized how beautiful that is. Uniqueness. Its like a breath of fresh air. Tonight I have real things to celebrate, real things that make me happy... but I'm still human oh so human, complaining about all the material goods I lack and all the places in which I rather be instead of here and now. How to kick the feeling away and start to exist and, to be the bridge that joins the normal world, with the world of ideas and art. How to turn my own walls down and start to create, to live, to shine and reflect the beauty, the randomness, the special things that surround me and that I just didn't seem to appreciate. Always wanting something that is not quite here. Something. Something. Something.
Reaching my arm long to grab it, to picture it, to describe it. One day, it'll come out in the shape of wonder or magic.
I used to watch my brother play video games for hours when I was little. Yes, just watch, not play. I thought that I was utterly wasting my time but I did it, just to keep him company. Time taught me later on, that everything has a reason, because from those long hours of observation, I became an observer and an absorber of the world, the colours, the movement but mainly, of the work of other people. One day, I will narrate the lives of the characters that I've met and observed, the places I've seen, the feelings I've felt. I can't wait for that day, the day when I can pick up a pen and write something that makes sense.
Reaching my arm long to grab it, to picture it, to describe it. One day, it'll come out in the shape of wonder or magic.
I used to watch my brother play video games for hours when I was little. Yes, just watch, not play. I thought that I was utterly wasting my time but I did it, just to keep him company. Time taught me later on, that everything has a reason, because from those long hours of observation, I became an observer and an absorber of the world, the colours, the movement but mainly, of the work of other people. One day, I will narrate the lives of the characters that I've met and observed, the places I've seen, the feelings I've felt. I can't wait for that day, the day when I can pick up a pen and write something that makes sense.
Monday 25 May 2009
keeping the momentum going....
One cannot say that life stops for you to catch up when you're behind... no, it doesn't. And that makes it so much more fun. So many impressions, decisions, places and faces. and words and voices... and people, who think in so many different ways. There is some people, that when they feel left out or hurt, take extreme positions, usually moral positions and leave you feeling like melted kaka on the floor. There are others that make impressive retreats... There are some like me, that when injured, go to a cave to heal. Destruction and Creation move the whole thing around us, in the same way, breaking and healing move our inner world.
I just got back from camping. We drove almost 4 hours to get to the garden of a pub in a town that looked like a clone of the one I live in. Never mind the location. The sun was shinning and there was football, friends, music and freedom. We just realised the meaning of freedom, freedom to use your time however you want. I write. Nice to meet you.
x
azile
Tuesday 12 May 2009
the blackhole
Some days I just breath in deeply in order to fill in the emptyness.
the sweet emptyness of my humanity.
the sweet emptyness of my humanity.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
this needs a name.
The snow melts really fast on this Febuary, 3rd. I just wait, patienly, for it to vanish bringging a revelation with its new liquidness. Something, anything, to make me get-up and carry on. procrastination. Seems to be the constant state of mind and living this week.
Our voices, your laugh, how it feels to touch your skin, I know you like it and that makes me love it. I can't wait. I need you here. I need you with me.
I know it is not selfishness... I remember the first tme you left. The sadness was so deep that it took a couple of days to get back to the surface again. My brother was around, I wasn't alone, today I am.
The second time you left, the second time... we knew you had to, it was almost as completing a duty. We knew you had to take that plane, get back to your normal life, get a job...
The thrid time you left, it was so cold... I wanted to kiss you some more, but we were both going to be late. I went to my exam, you went back to New York, again. I remember your eyes looking away, I remember how you moved, trembling slightly, silent. You were leaving me for a thrid time. I always am the one who leaves. Now it is you and your soft energy. I know you are still around, and that you'll always be in my heart, but its hard to carry on when I had you so physical, so mine. During those three times, I had you only for me. I feel as if I lost something unique.
I know, I know this give us room to plan and to do... I know I will visit you soon and that you will come back, to leave me, for a fourth time.
azile.
x
ps: its may not febuary now... but azile wants to publish it. its time. like a revelation.
there was a fourth visit... yes, there was a fourth one.
Our voices, your laugh, how it feels to touch your skin, I know you like it and that makes me love it. I can't wait. I need you here. I need you with me.
I know it is not selfishness... I remember the first tme you left. The sadness was so deep that it took a couple of days to get back to the surface again. My brother was around, I wasn't alone, today I am.
The second time you left, the second time... we knew you had to, it was almost as completing a duty. We knew you had to take that plane, get back to your normal life, get a job...
The thrid time you left, it was so cold... I wanted to kiss you some more, but we were both going to be late. I went to my exam, you went back to New York, again. I remember your eyes looking away, I remember how you moved, trembling slightly, silent. You were leaving me for a thrid time. I always am the one who leaves. Now it is you and your soft energy. I know you are still around, and that you'll always be in my heart, but its hard to carry on when I had you so physical, so mine. During those three times, I had you only for me. I feel as if I lost something unique.
I know, I know this give us room to plan and to do... I know I will visit you soon and that you will come back, to leave me, for a fourth time.
azile.
x
ps: its may not febuary now... but azile wants to publish it. its time. like a revelation.
there was a fourth visit... yes, there was a fourth one.
Monday 2 February 2009
Extremes.
My life runs on two extremes. I always has. It always will.
Two ends of the world, two opposite options, two contrasting feelings, two delicious choices.
I am trapped in a snow storm, it doesn't usually snow this much in England, today London is covered by a couple of inches of snow. I hope tomorrow it is aswell. I like this, it feels new, it makes me aware of where I am and what to do. I know I will soon get bored of the white view from the window.
The other half of my heart, someone I care a lot about, is in an airplane flying to New York, so free my free boy. At least, that's what I like to think. I like to think that he is wherever he wants to be, but the truth is that I wish he was trapped in the snow strom with me.
I was thinking today about how technologic our relationship is, but it is not. Long distance relationships are not a 21st. century invention, they are as old as the times when soldiers left home to a battle in a far away land.
I'll keep him safe in my heart.
...
The rythm of my life will not change for today, it'll be like two stremes running on extremes. regardless of where I go or where I'll be.
Two ends of the world, two opposite options, two contrasting feelings, two delicious choices.
I am trapped in a snow storm, it doesn't usually snow this much in England, today London is covered by a couple of inches of snow. I hope tomorrow it is aswell. I like this, it feels new, it makes me aware of where I am and what to do. I know I will soon get bored of the white view from the window.
The other half of my heart, someone I care a lot about, is in an airplane flying to New York, so free my free boy. At least, that's what I like to think. I like to think that he is wherever he wants to be, but the truth is that I wish he was trapped in the snow strom with me.
I was thinking today about how technologic our relationship is, but it is not. Long distance relationships are not a 21st. century invention, they are as old as the times when soldiers left home to a battle in a far away land.
I'll keep him safe in my heart.
...
The rythm of my life will not change for today, it'll be like two stremes running on extremes. regardless of where I go or where I'll be.
A way to express
Let me tell you something about myself...
There was a time, when I knew a single world, a single language, a single family. Then my mother came along and told me stories of what and who I really was. She told me I had a father, up till that date, I have had a grandmother, an aunt and a brother. My mother was a woman in a picture and that day, she became real, she arrived from a far away land and filled up my head with tales and stories about another world, a colder world, a sad world. A world that had suffered a war. She spoke me in another language sometimes... and my up till then loving aunt began calling me 'the Russian one'. From that moment on, I think I was around 6 or 7 years old, I've been curios about it but most importantly, I became aware that there are other worlds.
Let me tell you about the present. I'm in England at the moment, surprisingly discovering another language. Trying to get back to my roots in this brand new laguage.
The tales my mother told me were about a man with an amazing mind. A man so smart, so claver, so intelligent... that could not coap with real life. He could not affort diappers, or food, or a room. He could just read and wirte, and draw and create, and love, deep inside he loved. But he was not made for real life. This man is my father, from whom I have a lot. I fight with that, everyday. I try to stay here, I try to stay real, reality. Everydayness....
That's what I do in England, I become real, but I swear to you that deep in side I am a writter too.
I grew up in a different world, a world that is called the thrid world here in England. Ecuador, South America, Latin America, The Andean region. Forgotten, beautiful, potentially powerful, such a soul-making character-shaping place.
I thought (I still think so, a litle bit) that I am never going to be the same one I was when I lived in between the Ecuadorian powerfully, lively, tall green grass... I just hope to be the same writter one day, and put my ideas acros again.
I need to. For myself. For my father.
azile
x
There was a time, when I knew a single world, a single language, a single family. Then my mother came along and told me stories of what and who I really was. She told me I had a father, up till that date, I have had a grandmother, an aunt and a brother. My mother was a woman in a picture and that day, she became real, she arrived from a far away land and filled up my head with tales and stories about another world, a colder world, a sad world. A world that had suffered a war. She spoke me in another language sometimes... and my up till then loving aunt began calling me 'the Russian one'. From that moment on, I think I was around 6 or 7 years old, I've been curios about it but most importantly, I became aware that there are other worlds.
Let me tell you about the present. I'm in England at the moment, surprisingly discovering another language. Trying to get back to my roots in this brand new laguage.
The tales my mother told me were about a man with an amazing mind. A man so smart, so claver, so intelligent... that could not coap with real life. He could not affort diappers, or food, or a room. He could just read and wirte, and draw and create, and love, deep inside he loved. But he was not made for real life. This man is my father, from whom I have a lot. I fight with that, everyday. I try to stay here, I try to stay real, reality. Everydayness....
That's what I do in England, I become real, but I swear to you that deep in side I am a writter too.
I grew up in a different world, a world that is called the thrid world here in England. Ecuador, South America, Latin America, The Andean region. Forgotten, beautiful, potentially powerful, such a soul-making character-shaping place.
I thought (I still think so, a litle bit) that I am never going to be the same one I was when I lived in between the Ecuadorian powerfully, lively, tall green grass... I just hope to be the same writter one day, and put my ideas acros again.
I need to. For myself. For my father.
azile
x
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