Day 5- Dependence

2nd of May. I hardly slept, if at all. Started writing this post at 8 am, although I usually love my bed. For the 2nd night in a row I woke up with a sudden gasp. Weird. This time everything feels out of place, I'm over ridden by both hope and anxiety. I have no patient animals/elements in my zodiac, I have looked at 8 zodiacs including my native american sign (falcon) and celtic animal (fox) and no patience. Now I'm gonna wear 2 amethysts, for patience. I want everything now. I love change. Can I calmly solve a situation and give time time? 2 of duality and conflict will show. In numerology: DUALITY, alteration, conflict, DEPENDENCE (my big lesson). Two is a static condition. Polar opposites. Transitory and corruptible.
This day is going to be used to think about all the attachments I have, all the things I am dependent on, which both make me happy but also tie my down and make me sad. I can't help but think that I'm graduating soon, life will start a new face, by the time I finish the challenge. Happy/sad tint to it.
(I saw a picture of some shoes in a jar and it made me hungry, I'm so human...)
people, other people make you think of the number 2, couples and relationships. Can I be free and coupled (coupled?) at the same time?
My own duality lays between acting in a self-preserving way or an all-giving way. Something tells me the all giving way is the right way, to spread love and then the universe will provide. Can I let go?

This time two pictures. Me doing something "symmetrical" and two foxes.

Day 4- Alone-nesss

May 1st, number 1... represents the single entity. Single entity. We come to the world alone. Considered the prime number. The beginning. The creator. First cause. May 1st is a strong pagan day. Essence and center. Some refer it to isolation, I wanted to be all alone today, people didn't let me. I wanted to pay my respects to 1, the sum of all possibilities; but the contrary happened and I spent all day in company of loving friends. One of them said: right now, you are my family and this wine I'm getting you is your food. Pretty symbolic. Family. In Chinese culture it refers to the Yang, masculine. I spent my day among males, with the exception of my best friend who is a girl. 

this is a painting of various birds, note how they are all alone and unique but give company to each other.

The day when I willingly choose to accept the absolute alone-nes of life, people come to show me what is to have a community. We are all alone, we are all connected. We are all moving in this vast beautiful circle. "I was reading and you made me a latte, you asked what I was reading, I told you but you didn't care. You played a song that moved me to tears. I'm alone with you."Lesson: still this day taught me I don't need anyone (you), and when I set you (someone) free is the only time I really have you (anyone).

Day 3- Reality and Synthesis

30 of April, day 3 in the challenge.. Coincidence?
In numerology 3 represents the third dimention so we do things in threes so that they manifest in the physical realm. It means creative power, growth and the moving forward of energy. Overcoming duality, expression, manifestation and synthesis. It contains the beginning, middle and end.
The power of three is universal and is the tripartide nature of the world as heaven, earth, and waters. It is human as body, soul and spirit. 3 is birth, life, death.
I stayed up all night having a very meaningful chat with a girl. The sunrise was beautiful, incredibly clear, sunny and the day was warm. There was a bird outside my window. I decided to do something in this 3D reality and celebrated the number 3 by piercing my nose. Self-shaping and self-defining. A painful physical synthesis. Doesn't hurt anymore. I asked this piece of titanium to inhabit and co-exist with my body harmoniously. Then when I went to University, the ideas just came out of my mouth, fully coherent. Like there is synthesis and transcendence in my life even in the smallest things :)

this is me with a nose stud

Day 2- The Change

29 of April- 2+9=11 in numerology, represents impractical idealism, visionary, refinement of ideals, intuition, revelation, artistic and inventive genius, avant-garde, androgynous, film, fame, refinement fulfilled when working with a practical partner.
It carries psychic vibrations and has an equal balance of masculine and feminine. Because eleven contains many gifts such as psychic awareness and a keen sense of sensitivity, it also has negative effects such as treachery and betrayal from secret enemies.

Today has been since for ever but especially since 4 years ago, a date associated with pain, today that is being changed. Today I'm transforming the pain into music.

This is me hugging a guitar.

Day 1- The Beginning

Today, 28 of April 2+8=10, the number of completion and return to origins. Today will be a day for closure and new beginnings. My heart is too heavy to go and get the world, so I'm going to start this self-healing, self-discovery, self-accepting project. The project will last 30 days and i will include a daily picture in this blog and a series of activities as the days pass.

Day 1- Young Eliza

I look at this picture and almost want to look after the little girl. How many turns of life each person goes through. Little human starts the big adventure. Children make you think of how can this fragile creatures have to enter a world of such antagonism and difficulty. How to stay pure? How to stay gold? The funny thing is that I also remember having the same character and the same underlining personality then. The same soul of course, and even more knowing than it became after years passed. In those days I used to just be. Be a present to the world. Be, my own existence. Be. So there we go, it has started. 

for a minute there, I lost myself...

The only thing constant in my life at the moment, in terms of activities, is my stall in Greenwich market. I have a stall called Philosophy Takeaway in which people come and talk to us, mainly my mate Sel and me, about philosophy. We have a hat of questions or people just ask whatever. Of course we don't have the answers, but we do try, even just to make people break their routines. I want to ignite a flame, any flame, any curiosity I can on people. I want people to realize things, by themselves, to open up, to open their minds... Philosophy is the way I found, almost a year ago. The stall was a leap of faith, when Sel and I felt that we were doing nothing of any use about anything. I feel different now, having learnt things, having my whole perception of reality being turned inside out. But the stall is still there. We talk to many types of people, all ages, all sizes, all backgrounds. It happens every Wednesday and feels like the only constant. I feared for a minute, that the incredible gap between what I think about reality and what random people may think would be too much. I feared I'll start preaching or getting frustrated at them, at myself, at everything.
It didn't happen. People, at some level, respond to your disposition. I constantly remember that we are all on the same quest.
I would like to spend my time meditating, hugging people, listening to music, painting, reading, writing and laughing... but it can't happen right now. I have to live 'life'. We can't help but live in the world. Interact. Talk. Use transport. Go places. See people.
I go to my stall and ask people if they are free, ask people if they feel as though they are being programmed, ask people if they feel controlled, fulfilled, awake even... I talked to them all. This seems like a time for communication.
I came back home today and felt as if the voices in my head, the voices of other people and my voice were an overwhelming cloud of buzzing electricity all around, ingrained in my heart even, confusing, almost heavy.
I listen, they listen. They speak, I speak. Am I saying what I mean? Am I speaking my heart at all times? Unfortunately not really... at this moment I can say that I empathize with all but understand none and end up saying words to make them happy.
Some times for the sake of this contact, this communication, words can become vacuous, pointless if the message is not what you mean... and for a minute it can feel as if you loose yourself.
azile x

ps: the chalk drawing was done by me today.

seriousness of the issue.

Gif creator

Life has so many twists and turns. We learn so much yet some times I feel emptied of all knowledge and just thrown into a pool of interactions. People. One of my most serious struggles at the time is how to handle the people around me. There is a line between what I want to say and what people want to hear/are used to hearing/accept hearing. Conversation can be difficult. Sometimes I get so frustrated. It's been increasingly difficult to look past things that they do and say that are plain terrible. Everyone complains about money. No one talks of love or solutions. Everyone is caught up in the made up net. Not enough love. I try to love everyone, that is my first approach on everything, yet it gets hard, when you realize that people are being controlled and plainly destroying themselves, swimming in ignorance. I've always tried to know more, make myself more aware, make this experience more of a life. Honestly, I want everyone doing that. It's impossible, I know.

Weird beliefs? I have many. So the only way to handle a blind world is by not taking it too seriously. Don't get caught up in unimportant things, in small hooks, dramas, what people think/say, money and all the others that keep us preoccupied instead of occupied in things we like. Humour, humour helps a lot as well... and finally, laugh at yourself.

life is a wide experience with a wide variety of feelings, strong and fleeting feelings that wave in and out your heart. Love it, love others. Make others happy, make yourself happy. Do something that is worth it. That's all for today.