Words that collide into worlds...

The world you go and get every morning, is different from the world I end up getting in the afternoon.
Your eyes are different. You're so warm, I'm so lost. You are so vain... I'm turning into you. Stop me before the edge.
Tell us the story, I know you're not boring. Lyrics thrown into the disjointed words of a deep heart. A deep aching self that found others... Other colourful ones. So young, so young. Oh but he thinks he's the king of the world. And she thinks she's fantastic. And so many words creates those worlds.
The one you get every morning and I pick up every evening. And then you join me and then you smile and I make you feel down and then I give you my heart, my attention, my dreams once again.
You, me, the colours. For ever your face in my memory, and yours too and your name in the tips of my fingers. And our hands still ache from all that work. All that creating and destroying we did, was exhausting.
and love keeps coming and going, deep, shallow... shallow worlds that collide and become without wanting it, deeper.

azile.

I saw

I saw what I needed to keep me awake and to make me sleep.
I saw the past and future inter cross in the shape of a old man skipping ropes.
I saw my own mouth talking to me in a foreign language and begging me to understand that what was outside was what was the inside as well.

I saw my own shadow run to embrace yours
as my body stayed motionless on the floor.

I saw the line between a tall rock and the sea,
clashing, splashing, creating the most visually musical landscape of drops I've ever seen.

And the old sun shinning above, making everything clear.

I saw you stealing a bar of gold
from the pocket of misery
and sell it for the highest price to hope.

I saw the fire burning your ankles that made you dance all night.
I saw the stain and I saw the scar.

I saw your pain contained in a jar.
I saw war through the eyes of mud, stepped over, only able to make you slip and fall.
I saw you leave.

I saw the world through a magnifying glass.
I made it gigantic and bang. big bang.

I saw skies of black obsidian, splashed with morning dew in the middle of the night.

I saw the man with the suitcase on his way to court
courting your fear, taking your faith and your glow.

I saw my own smile in the mirror and it made me laugh some more. It was like hidden sadness, sadness and hope.

I saw a chainsaw run and felt unable to believe, believe you, believe this...

I saw ageing in a girl I saw ageing in a plant.
I saw my own eyebrows changing shape. I said Ill do it tomorrow but clocks don't wait.

I saw a year pass, everyone thought it was the last.
But the earth only spanned once.

azile x

Starting Again...

Reality became a mangled cloud of fog and pink smoke.
I needed to start again, to purify, to step back and think... outside of the seemingly exit-less situation.
I couldn't run away. How can you run again from yourself? Too much information entered my little brain, every single cell and neuron wanted to run away.
The camera. The broken eyebrow. The Art Gallery. All together on the same day.

Some might say, its just a visit to the TATE and a day in the pub. Trust me, it was so much more than that.

'I wish I was someone else' Its not an uncommon phrase in the lips of a teenage girl. Truth is, you can't. All comes down to your own self. Your own perception of whatever this is. And its horribly beautiful. And its yours. And I want to start again. Right this second. Now. Today. I want to breath deeply and not feel broken and broke. And feel free. And use this perception to perceive all that the world is.

azile

Running away from...?

Today, I've seen Usein Bolt run. He's a 6 Foot 5 Olympic Jamaican runner. He makes it all look so easy. He looks so free when he runs, he runs and wins effortlessly. I'm not a fan of sports, ha! me? I prefer Pool and yoga.
Thing is, with this Olympic winners and world champions, they are nice people. You know why? Because they know how much effort it takes to get to the top, they know... pain. They know endurance and resistance. They know so many things us mortals take for granted or ignore most of the time. Let's take the people around me today, earlier on this Sunday at my local pub. Loads of families having lunch, some couples, friends... they have this undeserved smug look to themselves. Most of them are overweight and have a look that says 'I deserve and WANT it all' Like spoiled children. First world people look like the spoiled children of mummy 'time of abundance' and daddy 'easy access'. This greedy people want and get usually the following non-essentials: new television set. check. designer crappy clothes to cover their gigantic bodies. check. holidays somewhere (usually Spain). check. £67.000 debt on credit cards. check. You see, athletes don't have those problems, those superficial needs or those worries... They know effort, perseverance, patience and all those other boring words that most people can't even find a meaning to.
Athletes from poorer smaller anonymous nations, like Jamaica here, they become celebrities, they've done something a very tiny selected few of us will ever do: they've broken barriers.
My dear audience, why not look at runners and jumpers for inspiration instead of increasing so rapidly the size of your belly guts, I ask? why? WHY?
If you're not that into sports its OK, neither am I and I can still see what this people do and can give... I'm sure we all have a potential perfect physique that can be develop if we worked out a bit... yeah Im sure... and whilst you're in that Mr gym (you know who you are) improve that brain of yours as well, a personality will get you more girls.
When I grow up, I want to be like Usein Bolt and be a Jamaican celebrity.

x
azile

Goodbye Lenin!

Like they say: better scare than bore your audience.
Do I have an audience? I don't even know. But I have a voice (a tiny voice but whatever) so I'm gonna use it to recommend you this film.
I had a film marathon tonight, I made myself some dinner and sat looking forward to 8 hours of films. It was amazing. Dear audience, watch this one film though. It'll be good for you. It is so emotionally charged, in a 'we're just living life' sort of way. Its original, and even though it got some awards in 2003... everyone should have watched it. Every other film I watched after it tasted like plastic. I can't tell you any more because you should watch it.
GoodBye Lenin! <=== Watch it.
Directed by Wolfgang Becker.

enjoy
x
azile

What happened?

I used to be so much happier.

Nights like this...

Azile's life has never been neither perfect nor normal, though just recently I realized how beautiful that is. Uniqueness. Its like a breath of fresh air. Tonight I have real things to celebrate, real things that make me happy... but I'm still human oh so human, complaining about all the material goods I lack and all the places in which I rather be instead of here and now. How to kick the feeling away and start to exist and, to be the bridge that joins the normal world, with the world of ideas and art. How to turn my own walls down and start to create, to live, to shine and reflect the beauty, the randomness, the special things that surround me and that I just didn't seem to appreciate. Always wanting something that is not quite here. Something. Something. Something.
Reaching my arm long to grab it, to picture it, to describe it. One day, it'll come out in the shape of wonder or magic.
I used to watch my brother play video games for hours when I was little. Yes, just watch, not play. I thought that I was utterly wasting my time but I did it, just to keep him company. Time taught me later on, that everything has a reason, because from those long hours of observation, I became an observer and an absorber of the world, the colours, the movement but mainly, of the work of other people. One day, I will narrate the lives of the characters that I've met and observed, the places I've seen, the feelings I've felt. I can't wait for that day, the day when I can pick up a pen and write something that makes sense.