Spring

It's some days into April. Full spring. My life feels like its blooming as well. My soul feels so strong and fragile at the same time. I'm talking about my soul, let's begin there. Spirituality has had different faces during my life, many different stages, everyone has their own path, I guess. When I was 17, I went to a spiritual trip to the jungle for a few days. I didn't understand what it was about, my feelings understood, my intellect was as lost as ever. One thing I did feel/understand, I felt like I was absolute love, absolute healing and one with nature. I felt amazing. Then life moved. My life changed dramatically. I moved to London, a very materialistic place and I got beaten up (metaphorically and literally). For years I hid my love and lived my material life, as I thought I was adapting myself to a new culture, a new culture that seemed more advanced than my abused Latin America. I was so into it, this new life. I forgot about my soul. I was so scared. I tried to find escapes. I went to study philosophy and make art in my own time (I always wanted to know more, I felt there was something more, I always kind of felt like a creator of some sort). I joined the new culture and forgot about the amazing vibrations and security I let my soul be once. I drank, did drugs and went to dangerous places, I talked to dangerous people, I heard stories of soldiers returning home from killing, I danced with the rejects and hugged homeless people. I didn't know why of anything. I was dancing and forgetting. I wanted to feel alive but I didn't know how. My present self can look at those days, those 5 years, looked at as days, like you would look at your past child self. Oh I was so naive when I was eight someone might say, I can fully say I was so clueless and naive about a month ago. I've learnt more than ever, ever. It has taken me 5 years to come back to what I learnt when I was 17, 5 years and a lot of information, a lot of learning and a lot of love. I'm not saying I know it all now, all I'm saying is that I've been found.

22

The person in the picture is me 2 days ago. I turned 22. I actually felt happy. This birthday was different, special even, at a personal level. I didn't feel like I had to celebrate it or party, I didn't feel like I needed loads of attention and presents. This is not due to me thinking/feeling that I am growing up and 22 is 'adulthood'; this was due to another reason. The crux of the issue is freedom, or rather our lack of it. Most people feel overwhelmed about the nature of our crazy world, about what we are doing here and about why things happen the way they do and why they feel how they do. Unfortunately, most people ignore this or avoid this and seek momentary methods of happiness to deal with this and deal with the overwhelming-ness of it all. That means that we are never free, we are always entrapped in cycles, in worries, fear and what not. This day, this time and specifically on this birthday, information and not things are coming, and it is far more fulfilling. I keep the stream flowing, I am informing myself all the time. First, you don't have to accept things as they are, keeping an open mind is infinitely more valuable that a set of hypocrite values and informing yourself means that you cannot be so easily manipulated, which is not uncommon in our world. Everyone tries to tell you what to believe. The world is not simple, but it can be felt and understood. So this birthday out of all birthdays, my heart was looked after and I received truth.

Dream story

There's no way of telling where is it that she's walking to. Her pace, un-paced, her movements, jerky, her breathing, erratic, her figure, jagged. She still walked. All she did was walk and think about the pointlessness of the landscape. With her clumsy movements she carried on down the path in the field, one of those old paths created by too many people walking through them. Years, no, decades showed in her fragile wrinkly hands. They still touched nothing, caressed nothing. Ages of the universe reflected in the freckles, but still, she resounded like a shell. Her eyes, a foolish glaze, her gaze, indifferent... She doesn't even need curiosity. She smells grey. She smells inhuman. She walks pointlessly because she can't find anyone to give her answers. She breathes in the past and breathes out intentions, bad intentions sometimes. She's a ghost. She's nobody. She's everybody. She is a young woman physically, she remembers. She tries to feel something, anything. She makes a tea in her mind. She spins and spins in circles as she makes a cup of tea in her mind. She stops. She breaks the cup. She breaks herself. She's numb. She can't remember how to make her heart beat again. She's not lost, she's bored, whispers the wind. She's bored of nature, she's bored of herself. She fell asleep dreading and wondering what it would be like to loose all love. The warm fussy love that feels so real that flickers like a candle or roars up in flames, all inside your heart. She's in dream world, she walks and she's feeling it. She knows she's limbo without love. This would be it, her without love. Pointless. A shadow of a reflection, wandering not wondering, straying, empty and shifting. All she does is wish she wasn't there, she wishes hard she wasn't there. She's having a nightmare. There would be nothing without love................ she wakes up. Its ok, she wakes up.

De-cons-truc-tion

By feeling the two extremes simultaneously I keep my self balanced. I feel the fear and the courage, the energy and laziness, the isolation and connection, the disdain and the identification, I feel the reason and I feel the emptiness, the envy and admiration, the hate and the understanding, the wholeness and the pointlessness and as I feel both edges, at the same time, I can keep myself going and breathing every living moment. I couldn't tell you whether our individual tunnel vision, our biological stroll through the planet is all there is. No, that I couldn't tell you... I couldn't tell you if we are another primitive stage of life in this vast changing universe and that our centuries are specks in the vastness of universal terms. I couldn't, with certainty, tell you whether we are just repeating this same instant of experience again and again, afraid to give up our status of doubters...
All I can tell you is that I live for the moments when I can clearly not with my eyes but some other way, feel the glue that holds this whole thing together. The glue that makes paper, cherry, illusions, coffee, leisure centers, telepathy and maths exist in the same world. By feeling the two extremes simultaneously I can taste the bitter sweet, turning it into a new life script. My scanning, curios, awake (sometimes) eyes cannot be satisfied with the given answers, no more, I can only tell you that all the love travelling through your veins is no coincidence and that there is nothing we need more than to understand that we are made of infinity.

The State of Affairs.

the current state of affairs in the world right now, is not great. All the media is telling us to get scared and then to get distracted, to watch a film, to get drunk, to look away... anywhere but to the state of affairs we are living in. Overpopulation, they say, climate change, the powerful are disgustingly psychopathic and greedy. The state of affairs also shows us that until the problems hit our economy, and hit it hard, things are not going to change... and at the moment everyone seems to be selling out.

Even Yoda sold out....

azile
x

I wanna go trekking here....

On a cold February day....

This is what Mondays are for. Updating life. Re-arranging. Re-grouping. Re-programming. Life, Things, Habits. Never on a Sunday. Sunday is lazy depressing hungover Sunday, leave the work for the Monday. This Monday I'm turning the stereotype of the bad energy of re-starting the week into fuel. The same type of fuel that salads and fruit give you. So clean, so fresh, so light, almost as if it wasn't happening, but really really, is everything.
Monday bloody Monday, 2012 bloody 2012.
Sometimes blogs are for ranting, but today I have no reasons to complain. I could tell you my phone and purse got stolen, ups! I just told you. But really, I'm more concerned with building life, not with loosing it. Things come and go, you stay.
Like these past 5 weeks, I've been "dieting", eating extremely healthy, I'm a vegetarian but some days I go vegan. Green tea is my best friend. Although my body is changing a bit, I'm still exactly the same. Always you. Youer than you.
I have a little new found energy that I didn't find in January in the light of the new year, I found my 'mojo' in the cold lonely days of February.
And so this small selfish target of physical fitness and well-being will (and it has been so far) be a trampoline to greater things. Will power. Work. Energy. For me and for others
I feel so hippie and happy to say, spread the good vibes. 